Mood Confused
Music November Rain - Guns 'N Roses

Yesterday I said that I could name one hundred and one reasons wrong about myself. Then I would take that number and multiply it by how many people were in #ptprophecy at the time. There were 35 so I'm doing 35*101 = 3535. But I couldn't do that many reasons, not even someone who hates human existence can do that many reasons. So I've decided to do it in words.

I'll start with some background infomation about myself. I am 13 years old, live with my mom and dad. I have no brothers or sisters. I've lived 13 years of my life more or less alone. I don’t know about you, but going home everyday to a quiet and empty house is sad. But I was happy, even when I was too little to remember anything, I was more of less happy with what I had.

When I was about 4 years old, I went to Scotland with my mother. She was goin there to get a PhD, and so I followed. I guess I was too young to remember anything, but the change in lifestyle really hit me on the head. I guess I never really re-adapted back to the Singaporean lifestyle ever since I returned to Singapore when I was 7.

My lengthy primary school life began, and I was thrown straight into it. Primary 1 was basically the year to get used to the lifestyle, and Primary 2 was just about the same. When I was in Primary 3, even though I don't really remember, but I was very confident, something I'm lacking as of now. I would always push myself to give my best, and to always push my limits. But, that all was about to change. The dreaded Gifted Education Streaming Examinations... As usual, I went in with my head held high, and somehow, I didn't make it. I just lost it after that. I went from 100 to 0 in the space of 2 days, and I don't think i ever recovered from that...

Primary 4 wasn't that bad, although I kinda lost pace in the second half of the year, but luckily I still make it to EM1. Primary 5 was unforgettable. It is basically the best year you will ever have in primary school, bar the last few months of Primary 6. I'm not gonna go into detail about Primary 5, but I have some words to sum it up - Up and Down.

Primary 6... I was going to Scotland in the middle of January, so I had about 2 weeks of school before I went, and those 2 weeks were the best of the entire Primary 6 year, only because it wasn't that different from Primary 5.

When I went to Scotland, it was argubly (sp?) the worst times, and the best, of my life. The first two months was hell for me. I went back to the same primary school i was studying at and apart from the first day, I had no friends whatsoever. During lessons, since I had no one to talk to, I drowned myself with work, and I was very out of place. Everywhere I went, I had some friends no matter what, but I guess I just didn't fit in... I was the outcast that I was going to be for the rest of 2004, and I was the geek with the rectangle specs and the Hearts jersey. I was always wondering why I didn't try to come back to Singapore early, nor to even kill myself since I had no reason to keep on going, I had almost 0 contact with my "friends" back in Singapore and I definately had no contact with anyone in Scotland. Then, in the middle of February, a show known as The O.C. started airing on T4 every Sunday, and considering I had nothing better to do, I decided to see what all the hype was about. Turns out, it was the most watched primetime drama in the US at that time, and instantly, I was hooked. What really helped me was the apprarence of Seth Cohen, who was not unlike me, the social outcast, no friends, geeky and is about 5 times smarter than the typical "cool" dude. Little by little, I started to become someone like the fictional character that is Seth, I started using all his lines, cos they were so good, and finally, I had something to do, well sort of.

The next few months were better, I was included when they played football during lunch break, people actually talk to me now, and I was responsible for booking the limo for the Leaver's Dance. I was still impotent when it came to playing football, but somehow I was always playing with the "gang". I was still Seth-like, if you will, because he gets all the good lines!

Everytime I was down, I kept thinking about all my classmates in Singapore. I mean, before today, they were actually my friends, and somehow, the thought of seeing each and everyone again... it just kept me going. There were a few times when I wanted to kill myself, and more often than not I almost did... On my last day in Scotland, I accidently broke a window in the house. My mom, obviously, was not pleased at all. She left me alone in the house while she went out to do something, and I had alot of time to think. I was thinking about what would happen after I went back, would my classmates accept me again? There was a sharp piece of glass on the floor, and I took it and slit my left wrist. It bled, but was not enough to kill me...

When I returned, sure enough, I was the outcast again. Even though on the surface, everyone was happy that I was back, somehow it just felt like they didn't want me back. I was wrong to think that I was accepted, and I don't think they'll ever acknoledge me again.

Now, everything I do is wrong, and I'm regarded as a loner who goes to a boys school. I don't hold anything against anyone, and I guess this is just their way of rejecting people cos they can't adapt. I know they'll be even more drama on my tag board after this, and I'll never be regarded as a friend anymore. Secondary school is a whole new ball game, and all I need to do is up my game, to forgive and to forget. If I don't blog anymore, it means either 1. I killed myself or 2. I'm busy drowning myself in self-pity. Say whatever you want on my tag board, everyone is entitled to their opinions, and I respect whatever you say. Now I'll just go back to my room, do my homework and brood silently, knowing that my life will never be the same again.

I know no one is going to read this, but I'll publish this post anyway.

Peace out